The Democratic Leadership's New Oath of Office:
I, [State your name], do solemnly swear, that I will faithfully warm my chair in Congress. And will, to the best of my ability, remember to put my coat on the correct peg in the cloakroom, flush after I go pee or poopies, show up to work fully clothed, brush my teeth twice a day, hold hands when crossing the street, use the plastic safety scissors instead of the sharp ones that the grownups keep in the high-up drawer, give the President all my lunch money, and use my indoor voice at all times.
I promise to collapse, cave and kowtow in the name of political calculation, even when soldiers are dying daily in a war I have the power to stop,
To convince Americans that I lack courage, conviction and common sense in the pursuit of a brass ring that can't be grabbed for another year,
To do everything in my power to meet the needs of my Republican friends and colleagues across the aisle, lest they get upset with me and give me wedgies. So help me god.
The Republican Leadership's New Oath of Office:
I, [State your name], do solemnly swear, that I will faithfully do whatever the hell I feel like and get away with it. Goddamn this is great. Oh look! There's a Democrat! Wedgie squad...Go!!!
Thank ya, Jesus!
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